It seems the end is near...

It feels like ..... how it felt a few years back. One minute you're both alright and next you're single and crying yourself to sleep. I can still remember what happened on that fateful day. i got back from work all happy and cheery. Want to go out but he said no because he was tired. So I went out on my own and got some little snacks for him to munch on. By the time I got back, he called and said that he was heading out to meet with friends. Was feeling pretty put off by then and all the things that been happening for the past few weeks, so I asked him straight if we're over and the next day he replied yes. So pretty much my happy world was shattered all in one night. Well that was 3 years ago. Now I feel thigs are going that way again.

In recent event, it have brought to my attention that I felt a huge amount of jealousy towards my boyfriend's relationship with another girl. Since we work in the same office, we pretty much see each other often and so isthe girl. There used to be a time (minus the girl) when our office area was soo small that only a step away to reach our respective tables. Now I'm isolated in my tiny corner and he and she are sitting next to each other. While I trust him pretty much, I can't help but to start feeling slight insecurities when I constantly hear loud laughter and happy conversations happening from their small tiny island over the other side of the office. To a point in time that I was feeling embarrass to barge in on their conversations that was happening in the pantry.

At first I put it up as slight paranoia and stress (moving office is a hectic job plus with exams). And then th other day he acted all heroic and white knight (as y friend put it) syndrom, and rushed out to her rescue because she was feeling awkward and uncomfortable having lunch with the other girls in the company. I was in the office because I was busy with work. He came over to inform me of his rescue mission and half-heartedly asked if I wanted anything to eat. Before I could say anything, he was already out of the door going to her rescue. So I thought alright, he will get something or in any case, anything. Turns out when he came back he got nothing. I was slightly miffed by that fact and more so pissed when I asked him about it and he said that I didn't say that i wanted anything. It felt like the girl was more important that me. She called he ran forgetting me behind.

It hurts. Added to the fact that I had to listen to their happy conversation all day for the past few days. So naturally I blew my top. This ensured a series of arguments and talks. Making him understand why I would feel that way though he constantly said nothing is going on and she will not be interested in him. But what am I suppose to think when my own boyfriend ignored me most of the day and acted the way he did? Also when he said he was going to come to work during the weekend, she too said she wanted to come to work. May not be anything I know, but it still feels weird. Seeing that it's he first week of work and already she wants to work during the weekends. Some people are just too hardworking.

This is not just it. We both have conflicting principles and ideas that usually will either end in more arguments or battle of the wits. He is too trusting and I'm too skeptical of the world and people around us.

Also, it felt like we had so much in common and above all, fun when we were still friends and not a couple and that was just a year plus back. The fun we had is like the fun he has with the girl now. I feel very left out. I'm not sure how I should react and go about this. We used to talk and laugh. he used to be so much more spontaneous. But now it's all about work work work work. We never have the same fun we had last time.

It really does feel like the end is near. He actually place restrictions on his interaction with the girl after my out burst but I decided to tell him to continue on with his interactions with her as normal because I know that it's making him uncomfortable and awkward. Better to be one unhappy and sad then all. So I'm going to live with my decision from now on. I don't know how long I will last or if I can ever stand it but I have to. It hurts and I think I see many crying nights ahead. I'm not so selfless that I'm going to say as long he is happy, I'm happy too. By this decision, I also decide that I should leave. Taking a giant leap straight to my goal instead of small steps. I'm going to pursue my goal of finishing my professional papers and working in overseas. So now I'll just head over there to finish my papers and get a job thereafter.

I hope all goes well. Wish me luck.